I never had anxiety. Not once, my whole life. I didn't really understand it, and honestly? I didn't get people who had it.
(Karma, it turns out, has a sense of humor.)
I wasn't rude about it. I just thought of myself as strong, independent, the extrovert who could handle anything. Then one night in a hotel in San Francisco, I woke up and couldn't breathe.
The night it happened
I was traveling constantly for work back then, across the country and out of the country, sometimes multiple times a week. San Francisco was basically my second home because my client was there. I went to bed like normal. I woke up and something was very, very wrong.
I called my mom and told her I was sick, that something was wrong with me and I didn't know what. And then I passed out on the phone with her.
I woke up to paramedics. They put me on a stretcher, took me to the hospital in Oakland, and ran every test you can think of.
Everything came back fine. Totally healthy.
As I was leaving, the doctor said, "I think that was a panic attack." I had no idea what he was talking about.
What a panic attack actually feels like
If you're Googling this because it just happened to you (hi, I've been there), here's what mine felt like, then and still now:
- I couldn't catch my breath, no matter how hard I tried
- My heart was pounding so fast it scared me even more
- My legs went numb
- I felt like I was going to throw up, or sprint to the bathroom (very glamorous)
- I was completely, 100% convinced I was dying
A week or two later it happened again, in a hotel in Arizona. Same thing. Couldn't breathe, passed out. And that's when the scariest part started: not the panic attacks themselves, but the fear of the next one.
The part nobody tells you
It made me feel so stupid and so weak. I couldn't believe I couldn't control my own body and my own mind.
It's not weakness. It's not you being dramatic. It's panic, and it has a name.
If it's your first time, get checked out like I did. Then, once you know it's panic, tell yourself the thing I had to learn to say:
It's just a panic attack. I'm not dying.
You're not the only one. I promise.
— Roxanne